That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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