a search helicopter?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
