just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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