The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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