Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize