Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
