Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
