omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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