Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize