I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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