just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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