if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
