the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize