i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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