The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
