At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
