We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
