I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
