Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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