She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
