i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
