I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
