i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
