My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
