Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
