I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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