I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
