And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
