You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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