so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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