Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize