So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize