just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
