i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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