...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
