I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
