it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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