The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize