i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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