yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
