I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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