It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
