I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
