I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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