he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize