I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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