I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
