he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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