what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
