I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
