If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
