I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
