You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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