My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
