Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize