She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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