3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
