The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
