Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
