yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
