Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
