She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
