Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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